Tuesday, November 22, 2005

The Biggest Loser: Tonight's American Music Awards

American Music Awards tonight includes performances by Cyndi Lauper, Mariah Carey.

Tonight's the American Music Awards, a show I haven't been able to get through in years. I wouldn't mind seeing performances by Mariah Carey and Cyndi Lauper, and Cedric The Entertainer ought to be a great host. However I have little interest in seeing Kenny Chesney squirming on stage just because he was married a minute to Renee Zellweger, and the Rolling Stones squirming on stage just because Mick's too old and creaky to zip around the way he used to.

The American Music Awards is a nice idea, but I suppose I'd like this thing better "de-Americanized." I mean, I consider myself a person with diverse taste in music. But the truth is, some of this stuff bores me thrown in together this way. Rob Thomas then Bow Wow then Hilary Duff. This is just wrong -- all wrong.

By the way, who exactly is Rob Thomas? Why would I want to see Hilary's duff? And Bow Wow? Big friggin' woof!

Perhaps I'd be more excited if I were more a fashion bug. Then at least I'd care to see what the presenters such as Toni Braxton and Eve would be wearing. But the scripts are usually so corny and stiff and tired, not even the idea of teeny-tiny-diva-fashions turns me on enough to tune in.

I see that Ciara's "performing" tonight... (yawnnnnn). At the recent Vibe Awards, Ciara's penultimate act was to ask the audience, "Y'all wanna see me dance?" Ultimately, we should have screamed a worldwide "no!" Because Ciara's heebie-jeebie zombie popping made my butt twitch. And as much as I like Pharrell, he'll probably have Gwen Stefani with him, singing that innane hook, "You got it like that." As immensely talented as Pharrell is, he sure knows how to screw up a perfectly fabulous beat.

To me, the American Music Awards haven't been enjoyable since the days of the Jacksons. Since the days before Janet exposed her boob and got herself ex-communicated from such mega-televised events. Since the days before Michael exposed his weiner and got himself ex-communicated from the light of day.

Maybe I'll just watch The Biggest Loser tonight instead. Tonight's episode features the contestants scaling the side of a building with the amount of their weight loss in coins strapped to their meaty backs. They'll probably look a little like Ciara does dancing. Maybe just a little more jiggy. I mean jiggly.


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